For the last couple of days, I have been rummaging through Little Stein’s belongings, looking for demons.
This came about after the latest religious group voted to boycott Disney, a.k.a. The Messengers of Satan.
Earlier this summer, it was the Southern Baptist Convention that decided to diss Disney because the company sinfully gave health benefits to gay partners of employees. Yessir, when it comes to good old family values, you have to put intolerance at the top of the list.
And now, we have the Assemblies of God – the same good folks, by the way, who gave us Jimmy Swaggart – asking its 1.4 million members to boycott Disney products and theme parks until the company gets back its decency and integrity and makes more nicey-nice movies.
I haven’t heard of any boycotts of Godless Disney from the Tibetian Buddhists or the Mormons or the Zen Worshipers or the Sun Worshipers, but you never know.
Anyway, with all these religious types telling us that Disney is unfit for families and decent folks, I decided to check my son’s belongings.
Sin is all around
Of course, our family had been so naive in the past.
We had always felt that Disney was so family-oriented, it was disgusting.
And Little Stein – this is blasphemy, I know – has always loved Disney characters. I would tell you about the time we spent half of his college education money to take him to the Winnie the Pooh breakfast, but that’s another story.
I decided all these experts on religion and values couldn’t possibly be wrong. So I decided to look for demons among my son’s most valuable possessions – his videos.
You’d be amazed at the smut these sinful, Satan-loving, anti-family values, sleazoid Disney folks have been putting out.
The stuff may seem entertaining and enjoyable to kids, but you have to look deeper.
For example:
— Pocahontas – Let’s see – Pocahontas and John Smith saw an awful lot of each other. She had a drop-dead body. They weren’t married. Do I have to draw you people a map to show you the potential for sin?
— Lion King – When the movie first came out, a lot of the religious folks thought Timon and Pumbaa were, well, possibly, you know, gay. I checked it out again. I know it’s a cartoon, but these two are very close buddies. Typical of the heathens at Disney.
— A Goofy Movie – Goofy is a single parent. Instead of showing us the value of the two-parent, Ozzie and Harriet family, Disney gives us this imbecile with a disrespectful son. Perhaps the most anti-family values movie ever made.
— Mary Poppins – Yeah, as if Dick Van Dyke and Julie Andrews weren’t doing the dirty deed. Puh-leese. Does Disney think we’re all idiots?
Boycotts have some value
— Peter Pan – Let’s see – we have a boy dressed up in tights, and he hangs around with The Lost Boys. No explanation needed.
— The Three Caballeros – Three crazy guys hanging out in Mexico. Undoubtedly gay. And this is suitable for children?
Obviously, the self-righteous folks who look for sin under every rock have a good point with all this Disney-bashing.
And I’m all in favor of any boycotts from any and all religious groups. That should make the lines shorter at Disney World when I take Little Stein there later this year.
Of course, there will be one problem.
If my son asks me about Snow White, how do I explain the ungodly sin of those seven dwarfs sleeping together?
Local columnist Gary Stein is published on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
