Cooking in tar is probably the oldest known method of food preparation — older even than Chinese takeout.
The first dishes prepared in tar were of dimwitted dinosaurs, who eons ago bumbled into huge pits of black tar bubbling up from the prehistoric earth. Unfortunately, this was before the dawn of man, so there was nobody around with brains big enough to drag out the steamed lizards, peel off the tar and dig into tons and tons of succulent Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Today, there survives but one of these ancient tar kettles. It’s in the Los Angeles area and called the La Brea Tar Pits.
The next notable incident occurred somewhere in France, sometime during the Middle Ages. English invaders attempting to scale the south wall of Castle Chouchou were repelled when wily defenders dumped cauldrons of boiling hot pitch over them. Also baked like an Easter pork butt was Matilda, a pet goose belonging to one of the English soldiers, who had blindly followed her master into battle.
Later that night, ravenous defender Claude Le Froid scurried down the castle wall to see if there were any snacks to be had. When a comrade called down asking how his dinner was going, Claude replied: “The men-at-arms are a bit stringy, but the goose is good.”
The most notable of recent asphalt dishes is Rat A La Vermicelli. This was prepared in the 1920s when Chicago gangster Sal “Gimmie A Nickel” Vermicelli decided to rub out a competitor by gifting the unlucky thug with a concrete overcoat and dumping him in Lake Michigan.
Tightwad Sal, who balked at the price of concrete, settled on a less costly asphalt garment. In a deserted warehouse, while the victim was being fitted, a rat scurried between his feet. Thus, both became enshrouded by the steaming hot glop.
Investigating police never found the missing mobster. However, they did stumble over the lump of baked rodent, which resulted in the saying later made famous in the movies by James Cagney: “Ummmmm. You dirty rat.”
— RAFAEL M. KLINGER
